Unreflected

I could tell you I love you and it wouldn't mean a thing

My words are mere whispers that travel in the wind

I could tell you I need you and you'd walk out the door

My love is your heated home, but you embrace winter's cold

I could tell you I'm sorry for all that I've done wrong

My apologies are unopened letters that's been sent to the wrong home

I could tell you that I'm you and you are me

My being is your shadow so in darkness you live

Cracked

Thinking of you sets my eyes on a down pour like rain
Ashamed that my heart still beats off the pain
Insane to think that we once shared a love
Cursed by our thoughts, we no longer fit like a hand to a glove
Twisted words and unsung sorrows were borrowed
Silenced by fear lead to unpromised tomorrows
Resist you I cannot so I still travel the broken lane
I'm the broken Payne

Pollinated

Black butterfly I'd sail across your water
I sailed your seas once & I'm ready to sail again
You're the park and I'm amused, your love is my demise
One ride on your rollercoaster and I'm prepared to fly
With no wings I'm your flightless bird, a dodo if you will
Admittedly stupid for you cause you give my heart a thrill
Raspberry to my tea, you quench my heart's thirst
I'm that rose that grew for you
It's you who have the power my flower

My Favorite

This a one of the cheesiest things I've ever written. It was written a while ago about Clark. It's a part my mini poems collection that I wrote.

 

Sweet Caroline got nothing on you

I want my baby back, Chili's has a song so true

I'm Oz and you're my wizard with your lies I didn't hurt

You're my Angel and I was, I'm Cordelia to the core

See I'm charmed by your magic, even Leo's white magic won't work

Like a hero, save me so I can cheer again

My heart was chicken that got burnt; you had a taste and spit me out

I'm the net you just keep missing and I'm praying you take it to the rim

Unwritten Fairy Tales

Now that I'm stronger my days seem longer

Filled by the emptiness of love

I've fixed myself, became happy within, but outside I'm a lonely shell

It's hell

See I'm beautiful to the core, but my light doesn't shine through

The world is so lonely without you

I stayed true or I tried, but for you WHY; you sure don't give a damn

My man, not anymore those fools you adore while I'm tossed to the side

I died

Built myself up from the ground now I say I'm proud, but I'm lonely once again

Seems like the best gets treated worst than the rest; it's a test that I passed yet you failed

Why does my heart yearn for the lost, it's loyal and that's why

Now I'm stuck kissing frogs

You're my prince at least to me, but I've still yet to see you grow from a frog to a man

Autism Speaks: A Charity Important to Me

Hello All,

I appreciate everyone of you who read my blog and know that I look forward to your feedback. Anonymous comments are welcomed.

Those who know me know how much I love working with children with Autism. April was Autism Awareness Month and in the month of June, Pittsburgh will be having their Walk Now for Autism Speaks events, which I will be taking part in. I am asking that you go to my page on the Autism Speaks website and donate however much you can. Every little bit you give, gets us one step closer to doing better research to learn about treatments, causes, and gain a better understanding of this miraculous population. Autism is not a disease, it's a different perspective on life!!!!

Please visit http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/pittsburgh/cece623 to donate today

Thank You

The Craziest of Them All

Now so far I have introduced you to 4 guys that have been in my life who lied, cheated, and were just crazy. They have nothing on this next person.

Now introducing.........PSYCHO

Psycho is just that and more. He popped into my life in the summer of 2011 and he stayed in my life until Jan 2013. We didn't date, but we had a fling that turned into me staying with him every time I visited IUP. When we first started talking it truly was like a summer romance. We were together everyday that summer and although I like to say it was just due to sex, it wasn't. We actually took walks and talked.

Psycho is very intelligent, but he has problems when it comes to women: HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR THEM. Sad but true. What made it weird was that he was respectful towards me. Out of everyone I've ever been with he has put in more effort and showed me he wanted me more than anyone else. He may not have respected women, but he respected me!!! The issue I had with him was he did not take no for an answer when it came to sex no matter how much I meant no.

It was a warm summer night when we first met. I was dancing and laughing when I noticed a fine light skinned guy watching me, which truly makes me uncomfortable. He came over and told me he thought I was cute and wanted my number, which I gave to him. If someone would have told me then that he was crazy, I probably would have still given him my number lol, but at least I would have been warned....

To be continued

Randoms Thoughts

I'm single and I don't want to be, not because I can't be on my own, but because I'm a better me when I have someone in my life. My purpose in life is to help others so I never try to change a man, but instead I help push them to be who they want to be. I like having someone in my life with a goal and an ambition because it allows me to be there from the beginning and help get them to success. It's weird, but I'm empty if I have no one to help. 

Im the kind of person that doesn't need a lot of friends and always has to go out. I need one good friend and a boyfriend to make me happy. I'm content with staying inside playing video games and doing puzzles. I look forward to cuddling and watching movies. It truly doesn't take a lot to make me happy.

In writing this blog I am able to reevaluate and get feedback on my dating habits and patterns that need to change. While in the moment it's hard to say that something isn't right or needs changing. I'll be 25 in November and lets face it my eggs aren't getting any younger lmao. I know I'm an enabler who doesn't always demand what I want/deserve and I have a habit of staying when it's obvious I should leave. I'm working on my bad habits, but the biggest habit I've fixed is making ppl uncomfortable around me. Before I lost 35 lbs (oh yeah go me!!!) I had a way of making people uncomfortable with being around me because I would point out my bigness as a way to keep myself from being hurt if someone else bought it up. Now that I'm happier with myself I no longer do that (instead my weirdness drives ppl away lol). 

As you will see and probably already have seen from previous posts, I tend to attract guys with an issue. It's like my calling card: If you have a mama issue, anger issue, or just Psychotic call me. 

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Natural Hair Care: So You Like to Fix People?

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Natural Hair Care: So You Like to Fix People?: Here's Why You Need to Stop by  GG of All The Many Layers  You know that part of you that wants to see the good in people?...

See Me Finds Out

It was during Christmas break that Clark and I built a friendship aft I broke up with See Me. After telling me to give See Me another chance we talked as friends all the way up until school started back. Now during this whole time See Me had no idea that Clark and I were more than friends and we hoped to keep it that way, unfortunately what's done in the dark comes to the light.

 

First day back to school and it's See Me waiting for me at the bus stop and not Clark. Apparently See Me told Clark we were getting back together and that Clark could give him my room key, which Clark had because when I left for break Clark was in my bedroom sleep. I had hoped to have one last night to talk to Clark, but he clearly didn't want to. A few days later Clark asked See Me if he could give me the Christmas gift he had brought me and See Me said yes. We were in See Me's room when Clark came in and sat across from me, but the entire time he didn't speak to me. He handed my gift to See Me who then handed it to me (I didn't understand why he was avoiding me). It was obvious that Clark and I friendship was over and that we would never speak again.

 

Now remember how I said we didn't want See Me to find out about our fling, thanks to Clark it didn't happen. Clark had an ex girlfriend we will call Crazy. For some strange reason Clark decided to Crazy about our fling when attempting to get back with her and Crazy being Crazy decided to call me. Crazy and I weren't friends, but because I hung out with her and Clark once she felt like I betrayed her and threatened to drive to our school to whoop my ass. She also threatened to tell See Me if I didn't. What made Crazy even crazier was that she started telling me how I was beautiful and See Me didn't deserve me. She said I shouldn't be with him after everything he put me through and that I deserved more than just a fling with Clark. WHAT...Crazy was threatening to beat me up for sleeping with Clark all while complimenting me and telling me I deserved better??? Needless to say, she didn't beat me up.

 

So that same night I told See Me about Clark and I. If people thought I was dramatic they have never dealt with See Me. After telling him about Clark and I, he took off running in the cold night. Being that I was Suppose to care I chased after him to explain. While we are outside talking he realized that he was wearing Clark's coat (I can't make this stuff up if I wanted to lol) and threw it at me saying I'd rather be cold than wear this.

 

Eventually he calmed down and made it clear that I was to never speak to Clark again, which Clark was more than happy to oblige to.

 

See Me and I were back together, but he was still doing dumb shit and tried to make it seem like I was insecure when I called him on it. Example....one day we had a fire drill and while we were outside on the bench a chick named T came and sat down next to us. Being See Me, he had to speak to her and used me as his excuse. I was new at the school and the only friends I had were See Me's guy friends and one chick named Hoe. See Me was saying how me and the girl should hang out cause I needed friends and actually asked for her number for me. Now the number was for me yet he put it I his phone ( like really, thanks Clark). Once we got back inside I called him on it and told him that he must think I'm stupid. His excuse was he put her number in his phone because he knew I wouldn't call her and if he had it I couldn't stop him from calling her for me...yes ladies he tried it and I was at the point where I just stopped caring and let it go.

 

Clearly See Me didn't change and from there things got dumber. I'm not sure why Clark let me go back to him knowing the only reason I did was because he told me to and I'll never know.....

.....To be continued

My Cue to Leave ( A Tale of BS)

Good sex...it cause a woman to change the way she thinks, feels, and behaves. It's powerful and most times if the female knows what she's doing she has the power. Now men fall weak if you put down right. In my case, I get them addicted, but not enough to wife it lol. 

BS was no exception and I was lucky for that. 

Have you ever been told by a guy or girl "I don't usually do this" or "That was my first time"? You were clearly being fed bullshit and they didn't anticipate you being an over analytic skeptic who assumed everyone lies first until you call them on it. That was BS. I'll admit the sad truth and say it was unprotected (yes I was smart enough to get checked and get birth control). I sadly can't say that this wasn't the first time a guy has done that and it happened because I don't pay enough attention thinking the other person would automatically use protection (learned lesson, ladies pay attention). Now BS expected me to believe that I was the second girl he's ever had unprotected sex with even though he was so willing to do it. Now maybe he told the truth, I just don't think he did. 

After experiencing our first unprotected time he pulled the ultimate no no, hinted at a possible pregnancy ending in abortion. Now men, if you ever get in that situation please don't go about it the way I'm about to explain...it's just wrong

We get done and BS looks at me and asks "are you on birth control" to which I replied "you picked a fine time to ask and no". Now if he would have given me a chance I would have said I would get Plan B just in case, but no unfortunately he had to be an asshole about it. BS looked at me and asked " So what do you want to do about it because I don't want you to have to get an abortion, which is what this could lead to" in my head I was thinking "what, no he didn't just say that" I politely replied "I can get the morning after pill and thanks for that unnecessary comment. Great way to make this awkward for no reason. Do you really think you need to tell me that, trust me I'm not trying to trap you." I mean seriously!!! The first issue I had with this was he had the audacity to make it seem like I had no say in what happens to my body, if I did get pregnant and decided to keep it you don't have to be involved, but who in the hell do you think you are to tell me that that's what I would be doing. Secondly, I didn't like his tone. He had nothing to offer me, no job, no car, living with his mom; I hope he didn't think I was trying to trap his ass.

Anyway, after I stated I could get the morning after pill he had to make the situation even worst by giving me 20 dollars then saying "I owe you 5 and you can pay the other half since we both took part in it or do you think I should pay the whole amount since I'm the one who didn't put the condom on" that should have been my cue to slap him in the face and leave, but no I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt so I continued to talk to him. I did say "I don't need any of your money (I did take it though lol)" 

Before leaving I made it clear that I didn't like his approach and felt it unnecessary. In his defense I guess he felt like he should have addressed it based off of his experience with other females, idk. 

Now after that I decided I should get back on birth control and I told him that I was going to do it. To my shock he said no. According to him (be prepared for bull) women shouldn't use birth control because it alters your body. It's ungodly to stop what God created women to do, which is reproduce. Now I didn't say anything, but in my head I was cracking up thinking "yet you basically told me if I got pregnant I was getting an abortion. How is that better than birth control?" 

So needless to say, I got birth control and after I told him I was on it he was happy about it (yet weeks before that he was telling me it was wrong)

I know I contradict myself, but at least I don't speak bullshit too...BS never ceases to amaze me

God's Prayer From a Sinner

Are father who art in heaven

Please hear my prayer to thee

I call your name for help my Lord

Give me strength to stand from bended knee

I'm lost you see and I need your sight

Give me clarity when the clouds set in

I'm praying God for you to erase my doubt

Fill my being with your wisdom instead

You sent your son to the cross for us

I don't want his death to be in vain

Lord tell me your will and it shall be done

Father teach me the blessed way

Are father who art in heaven

Use me through my talents and gifts

Lord speak your words with my poetic form

Let my movements me your verse

Not the best Christian Lord we both know that

But father don't give up hope

I was made to sin and learn from them

Lord forgive me when I truly do not know

I am your sheep and I'll follow you shepherd

Send a star to guide my path

Father please save this sinner

Lord lead me and help me make you glad

Father please hear this prayer to thee

A miracle is not needed

Lord I ask that you bless me with your love

God protect me with your spirit

My Transformation

A lot of what I did in my past was a result of the dislike I had for myself. I hated the way I look because honestly I was fat and unhappy. I'm still not where I want to be, but in getting closer to my goal I became more comfortable with myself. Who I am is  not defined by how I look, but I can honestly say I am beautiful inside and out. I no longer cry when I look in the mirror and I stopped having panic attacks around strangers. I'm more confident and know my worth, which I never knew before. I'm not saying that big people shouldn't love themselves, but I am saying that I didn't. I have standards, I demand respect, and I speak up for myself thanks to the confidence I now have. Everyone has a story and a motivator. What's yours?

A Young Boul Before His Time

Months after Clark and I ended, I met a boy (which is what he was at 18) who unexpectedly got to me. I believe it was September when a friend and I went to a speed date on campus where I met this cocky 18 year old who I thought was the cutest thing on campus. We will call him Kakarot!!!! I wonder if he remembers this nickname.

 

Kakarot and I had a whirlwind fling that was not suppose to happen. I started talking to Kakarot as a way to push myself to get over Clark so of course I didn't want a relationship, I wanted intimacy with no attachment ( in other words just sex). Now I must be honest for an 18 year old he knew what he was doing and did it well!!! It had gotten to the point that we were together everyday and I was basically spending every night in his room, which was sad cause I had an apartment and he stayed in a dorm. Eventually one night he confessed to me that he was catching feelings and being that I didn't want a relationship I told him to "lose your feelings or we stop fucking" so lose his feelings (or ignore them) is what he did.

 

After awhile we started spending time in my apartment to point where he was there literally all day. He stopped going to class no matter how many times I tried to talk him into going. I would go to class and come back to him still at my place. He started cooking me meals and we even had a game night every night. We were like a married couple except we weren't in a relationship. He was free to talk to other girls and I to other guys.

 

At some point I caught feelings for Kakarot and I really cared about his well being. I was driving him back and forth to Philly for court at 3 am in the morning, I was really pushing him to try and do better in school, and I spent all my time with him in hopes that being with me meant he wasn't getting in trouble with his friends.

 

What was suppose to be an unattached sexual relationship turned into a fling/relationship for 6 or 7 months. During this time we had our drama like us  attempting to be boyfriend/girlfriend just to break up the day before Valentines Day and him sleeping with someone else. See our problem was that he was young and looking to be with a bunch of different chicks, whereas I was older and into steady relationships and also still wanting/messing around with Clark.. After a while our routine became boring for him and he wanted the spontaneity that we first had. I stopped partying and drinking as much while he would get drunk with his friends, go and flirt with a bunch of chicks that wanted him, and come home to me. That wouldn't have been such a big problem for me if I trusted him, which I didn't.

 

Now Kakarot and I happened after Clark and I broke up and Clark knew about Kakarot and actually almost fought him, when Clark threatened to slap the shit out of me in public and Kakarot defended me. There were nights when Kakarot and I would be in bed and Clark would call me over to his place to "help him study". The entire time I was messing around with Kakarot, Clark was in the picture and not because I put him there. I was happy I had Kakarot to witness what Clark was putting me through.

 

He witnessed how one night at 2 am Clark started texting me pages upon pages saying I was a slut who he would never have children with. He told me his mother would never accept me because I was a whore and said I was never there for him. Kakarot witnessed how the day after sending me those text Clark was at my place saying he cared for me and was sorry and didn't mean it. And Yes Clark and I was still having sex. 

 

Looking back I was to giving to Kakarot and expected nothing in return, but I am happy that what happened between us did because he was needed. I have never felt so comfortable and happy with anyone else like I did with him. Seeing how he could have any girl he wanted who had better bodies and were prettier, I still felt comfortable in my own skin. Kakarot and I truly were like best friends and I am thankful for him being there for me. I only wish I could have saved him from his situation. I will always remember the time of Kakarot and Buu...

 

Moving forward I now look for guys that I feel comfortable with like I did with Kakarot and who make me feel safe like Clark did. My perfect man is a mix of Kakarot and Clark...are you out there?

Insecure Sexual Truth

I'd like to say I'm untouched, but that would be a lie

Hard to say that I've laid with more than 11 guys

Not a whore, but I've done things that whores are known to do

Only difference is I didn't know what else to do

See I'm a woman of emotion I act on feelings all the time

Instead of sitting home crying I got penetrated by guys 

Please don't get me wrong I've never slept with someone I didn't know

Every guy that's hit it, I've hung out with at least once before

After some I regretted being that if I wasn't sad it wouldn't have happened

Instead of feeling sadness I get drunk and that's how things happen

Now my number is less than twenty, but it's higher than what I want it to be

The majority of them happened after Clark broke me

Yes I admit I was broken it was a time when I was truly weak

I did whatever to forget him cause the pain was slowly killing me

I wanted anything without emotion, something that would let my feelings flee

I hid within the bedroom, but as always feelings must be free

So when my lovers left in the sun of a brand new day

I lied in bed crying until my tears all dried away

I'm sharing this to say that sometimes the girl you see is fake

Everyone saw me smiling while my body was an empty space

Now that I know better and have more love and respect for myself

My body is a vessel that is filled with pain and love

So those of you who are hurting please learn from my mistakes

Meaningless still has meaning and sex doesn't make the feelings fade

Lonely Garden

Lonely flower in a garden, why do you bloom so?

Each tear drop falls as your petals hit the floor

No water in your soil leaves you hungry for love

Not a gardener around to tend to your soil

With no love you still stand and bloom every year

What pushes you to be the beautiful flower I see here?

What feeds the soil beneath you?

What nourishes your soul?

Is it the pain you hold within you?

Are you growing to prove a point?

Lonely flower in a garden blooming every spring

I wish I could grow like you and have my beauty be seen

Just like you I'm starving, but my tears have run out

My soil is dried and nourishment is no where to be found

I'm just a lonely girl in a world that's corrupt

The thing that keeps me going is my dream of growing up

So lonely flower teach me how to bloom so strong

Right now my petals are dying, but they won't be dying for long

My dreams provide me water and my hopes are my food

The sight of you is encouragement to continue to bloom

Lonely flower thank you from a fellow lonely rose

One day I'll bloom and show the world the woman that bloomed from a girl

Explanation of Clark Feelings

After reading comments from readers and re-reading my posts, I've realized that I may have confused some of you about my feelings. See I love Clark, not by choice because if I had a choice he would not exist to me. You see, Clark is an asshole is all meanings of the word. As you will read in my post, he is disrespectful, controlling, and confusing. Yes, I do compare every guy I'm with to him, but not because he was a good boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he has his good qualities, but it was how he made me feel. Clark never made me feel pretty, but he made me feel safe. He was funny, caring, and honest (or so I thought). I accepted Clark for all his flaws and never tried to change him because I only wanted to love and understand him. 

Clark never loved me, but he pretended to and didn't do a good job of it. He made it clear to me that I was not on the same level as his ex and after we broke up and he continued to bring me in his life he made it clear that he didn't want me. That was the problem. Clark wouldn't let me go. As you will read he moved me in with him and his mom, when I would stop talking to him he would call me after months and bring me back in his life. So yes I love him, but in no way do I chase after him, contact him, or want to be with him. Clark needs to change and admit his wrong, which he will never do.

I have no ill feelings towards Clark, but please don't think for one second that I am holding my breath and not moving on in hopes that we will be together. I love him but unless he changes ( which he never will) I don't want him. I just want to know why out of all the ppl in his life he treats me like I'm nothing when I was the only to be there no matter what he did or how he was. I put up with his bull for years after we broke up and I don't get how I can walk into a room and he can't even look at me or say hello after not seeing each other in over a year.

 

In my post when it says I can't wait to met again or I still desire, I'm saying the old him and/or I'm hoping to find the qualities in someone else, but not him exactly. Sorry for the confusion

In The Begginning: See Me's Response

I debated whether or not I should post this, but I figured it keeps my blog real if I did. After reading my post about the start of our relationship, See Me emailed me his version. Please feel free to comment. All comments are screened by me before being posted so you can be completely honest about your feelings and thoughts.

In The Beginning
FIRST LOVE…… an experience that can never be duplicated, feelings never
to be replicated, its new, exciting, confusing, innocent, simple, complicated,
true……………its love. I’d like to introduce myself as the dark knight; Lois and I met
in the last days of our 9th grade year in H.S. beginning a love ahead of its time.
Finals were over and class was finished, playing cards in biology was on the agenda
but the universe had other plans. I decided to leave early and head to the cafeteria
where I saw her, Lois Lane. It was as if no one else existed in that room, all I saw was
her; love at first sight was only in movies until I saw her eyes. We were introduced
and proceeded to play spin the bottle with some mutual friends ( I made sure to sit
directly in front of her) and then she left. I looked for her but to my dismay couldn’t
find her and as I headed for the front door to go home disappointed, there she was.
A confidence rose in me that I never felt before and I asked for her number, after
being rejected three times she finally gave it to me……looking back I’m glad
she did.

Lois and I dated from the summer of 9th grade to sophomore year of college, a little
more than 5 years. We started with long walks, hours at the bus stop because
neither one wanted to go home, and all night phone talks till the sun came up. Just
to go to school and give each other the notes we wrote the night before. We were
to be married with a few kids but rarely do summer dreams at 17 become realities.
Lois was perfect her one major flaw was that she never thought so (I probably did
more harm then good in proving that to her) but that mixed with her personality
and flirtatious nature leads to guys like the joker.

The first problem came into play with the villain joker. The joker was this light skin
tatted bad boy who was the type of guys she was accustomed to and met at the bus
stop. Now Lois is smart, calculated with a bit of a dark side so cutting school with
the joker all day and making out while still making it back in time to meet me before
basketball tryouts was no problem for her. After lies of how her day was and a kiss
for good luck she left, probably back to the joker waiting at the bus stop with her
bags and that stupid grin (Why so serious?) After learning the truth shortly after a
battle occurs in the subway and though I have never fought over/for a woman, for
Lois I would till death. The joker didn’t go away right away she still kept in contact
with him on occasion (Really?) but over time he slowly fell to the waste side.
With Lois Lane everyday was like summer and even though we were far from
perfect with her I felt none of the stress and pain of life as the dark knight, just
peace. But there was a storm growing far off in the near future a battle coming with
a foe far stronger then the joker. While blind in love I couldn’t see the blueprints I
was creating to my own demise. But time would show that anything worth having
will be worth fighting for.

Sometimes BS is Good

So BS and I had our first time and it was nice, but it was the start of a change between us. We didn’t text as frequently and we never talked on the phone again. It was as if the first sexual encounter turned into a weekend fling where every weekend we would be together and once the weekend past we no longer existed in each other’s lives. At first I felt weird about this new arrangement, but I learned to accept and believed it was for the best. I didn’t want a relationship with him, but I wanted something with intimacy and no attachment. In the end this arrangement was perfect for now, but it wasn’t satisfying my need.

I can’t lie, I liked spending time with BS and I still do, but I realized I was fooling myself. I’m not meant to be in unattached relationships and after a while being sex buddies bothers me. I also hate boosting a man’s ego who doesn’t deserve it and that’s what was starting to happen.

What was happening with BS was confusing me. I’m a labels person, I need them to know my place and play my role. BS knew this and refused to label whatever was going on. I tried to call us F**k buddies, but he denied it and said we were more than that. I tried to call us friends with benefits and he told me to stop labeling things and let whatever it was just be and happen. Good advice, but difficult for me.

Even though I was confused I believed and still do believe that BS was good for me. He was causing me to change in a way that I needed to. It was time for me to stop labeling and worrying about what was happening. I need to learn how to let things happen and happen slowly. Every relationship I’ve been in has happened fast. I’ve never taken things slow and it’s time I learn how. So even though BS was bs and is bs, he was needed. For me BS is a transition and as you’ll learn in another post, BS and I are transitioning into a new relationship called Friends with no benefits….to be continued

My First Dance Explosion Performance Fall 2009

Dance Explosion BBall Performance

See Me and the Red Flags

Red Flags, we all see them and we all ignore them. What were my red flags with See Me?  Love letters to another girl within our first 3 months of dating, lies about stupid things, and his need to be overly friendly to strangers.  After the Christmas gift incident things seemed to be getting a little better. With every day that passed I grew more in love with him. We were together almost all the time and he made me laugh. I was in love!!!

When you get sick or something bad happens it’s natural to want the one you love to be with you or show they care. That was not the case for me and See Me. I got sick one day and it lasted for a while. I was missing school and couldn’t dance (I was in dance school). I eventually had to go to the doctors and get surgery on my abdomen. While in recovery See Me called and I thought “Great, He’s checking on me” WRONG. See Me had the nerve to ask me what I was doing as if he didn’t know I was at the doctors, after I told him I just got out of surgery he says “I’m playing ball now, do you wanna go out later?” I couldn’t believe it. I’m in recovery and he didn’t even care. Now what I forgot to mention was, See Me was supposed to go to surgery with me, but didn’t at the last minute. So I was dumbstruck. Of course I told him “no I didn’t want to go out”. I should have ended then, but I thought “Maybe I’m being over dramatic and it’s not that big of a deal.” ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS….I wish I did

Jumping forward to college, See Me and I were being separated. He was going to IUP and I was going to Temple. I prepared myself for a hard long distance relationship. I tried to be the bigger person and told See Me that we could break up so that he could do his thing in college and when he came home we would be together. It was my way of protecting me from getting hurt and allowing him to be single his first year of college in case he really wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, See Me said no. He felt that he didn’t want anyone other than me and he didn’t need his freedom. He assured me that he was ready for a serious relationship and that we could make the long distance work. I was happy; he had a way out and didn’t take it. I thought it would work….WRONG

To Be Continued

Love At First Dare

Have you ever met a man so beautiful yet perfectly imperfect? The kind of man that makes you feel so safe and unsure of where you belong? That was Clark... I met Clark my freshman year of college when I visited See Me, the two were friends, and right off the back we hated each other. You see, Clark was under the impression that I was a horrible girlfriend who was mean and I thought he was just a jerk who was not a good friend to See Me. Obviously See Me was lying to both of us and especially felt threatened by Clark due to him being 6 foot 4 and chiseled. He was a white chocolate sculpture that I eventually wanted and couldn't get enough of.

After the demise of See Me and I, Clark and I ended up having a fling. I couldn't believe it, how could this ADONIS want me? How could a chubby sometimes pretty female get someone like him?!!!! Well, it started with a game of truth or dare that let's just say got pretty intense. From that day forward Clark and I were together every night for a week before I left for winter break. Now keep in mind that See Me and I were no longer together, but he and Clark were still friends.

 While away on break Clark and I talked every night and really got to know each other, it was magical. I seriously was falling for him and I started to believe he was feeling the same until See Me popped in the picture. During break See Me and I saw each other once and during that visit we had sex for what was suppose to be the last time. I was done with him and hoping for something between Clark and I, but See Me put a stop to that even though he had no idea we were even talking.

 See Me found out about me and Clark's friendship and used it to get back in my good graces. He started asking Clark to help him win me back and eventually told Clark about our last time, which I had not mention to Clark because I didn't think it mattered and I made it clear to See Me that that was the last time. To my surprise Clark was upset, which made me think he really must like me. I really got hopeful after that...

 One day Clark had me talk to See Me and was telling me about how much he cared for me and how he felt bad for sleeping with me and keeping it a secret. I asked Clark if he thought See Me had changed and deserved me and Clark said yes...He said yes, I couldn't believe it. To me, Clark saying yes was his way of telling me that he didn't want me and it really was just a fling. What guy tells a girl he likes and wants that she should give her ex a second chance. To me I was crushed and figured well if he doesn't want me I should just go back to See Me since Clark said he changed and that's exactly what I did.

 This wouldn't be the last time Clark and I were together and it wouldn't be the last time See Me ruined something I held so dear. Clark and I ended things after that and never spoke as friends again until we made it official months later. 'Til this day I hope we'll meet again......to be continued

In the Beginning

Your first love....nothing compares and luckily for me that statement is true. I'd like to introduce you to See Me, my first love. Now the stories of See Me will explain why he has this alias. See Me and I met the summer of 9th grade year. It was a whirlwind romance that happened fast, lasted to long, and was full of drama, which he caused.

See Me was not my type and there was noting special about him, but the day we met I was drawn to him. I was at my friend's school which was down the hill from mine and as I walked in the cafeteria I saw a boy who seemed to float to me. The next few days that followed we were together hanging out and taking walks. Now keep in mind I was not allowed to have a boyfriend, but I realized that if I gave my number out and he kept calling, eventually my parents would give in. AND GIVE IN THEY DID...looking back I WISH THEY DIDN'T

See Me and I dated from summer of 9th grade year until my sophomore year in college. We were to be married and I was to have his children, or so I thought. You see, See Me had an addiction called women. He had to be seen by them, speak to them, wanted by them. It did not matter that he didn't want them, they were ugly, or wanted nothing to do with him. They had to SEE HIM.

The first problem to arise in our relationship was by the name of Guadelupe (clearly an alias based off her race, she's from Guatemala lol). Guadelupe and See Me were friends before I met him, he was in love with her and she had a boyfriend. This I did not know. So he and I are dating and I began to get suspicious, which leads me to snooping. I hack into his email and find letters he has written her expressing his love and desires. If course being the lady that I am I confront him. Lies, Lies, Lies, oh and more Lies, but I accept them and figure he wanted her first I just have to give him time to get over her, so that's what I do.

Now one would think that See Me would be appreciative of my consideration and back off of his friendship a little and make me feel like I was the one he wanted....MEN ARE NOT SMART. FOr starters he continues to be friends with her and shares a locker. Then Christman comes and he gives her a better gift. Now granted I did say I wanted something for my new crochet obsession, but I didn't expect him to give me bunches of yarn and get her Bath and Body Works stuff...I MEAN COME ON

That was the beginning and from there things got worst...to be continued

My Bullshit Beginning (The start of me and BS)

Sometimes a girl needs to feel wanted, needed, and even loved; without strings attached. Crazy I know, what kind of woman could want a man to want her without wanting him back, but it happens. At least for me it does...being hurt and longing for someone who doesn't want you can lead you down a road of destruction, sex, and freedom. My latest journey to free attachment started in February, that's right the month dedicated to love.

 

I met BS at a club through Clark's sister (the crazy life I lead), he was cute and had a bad boy thing about him that reminded me of a Philly man (I was born and raised in Philly). We danced, talked, and exchanged numbers, he even had the nerve to ask for a ride home. Having no help from Clark's sister to get out of it, I took him. Now I can't lie for the first few days he had me fooled, i thought he was the man he portrayed himself to be until the day of our 3 hour phone conversation. You see, I'm naive when it comes to how guys think and work, but I am wonderful at spotting bull shit and that is what BS was giving me (now does the alias make sense?). In our convo he was saying things that made me go whaaaa, but I let it slide thinking I was to quick to judge and that bs is a part of the dating game. So a date was made...

 

Being that I hadn't dated anyone for quite some time I was nervous and a little turned off by the fact that I had to drive. Anyway, we went out to dinner and it was lovely. My nerves went out the window and I felt comfortable with him. It could have been due to my secret of knowing his game. After dinner we went back to his place (which is with his mom, but I couldn't talk because at the time I was living with Clark's mom which I'll explain in a Clark post), I know I broke the cardinal rule, but what can I say, I LIVE ON ThE WILDSIDe lol. Of course me and all my beauty was to much for him and he tried to get a piece of what I like to call lady stuff. Being the lady that I am I said no not on the first date, at least wait until the second (which he did) and we just made like fish and kissed. That was the last day I was able to keep my blinders on to the bull.

 

Date 2 came and being the independent woman I am, I planned it out and insisted on paying, which looking back I shouldn't have since he became the king of dutch. Off to PF Chang's we went and again back to his place after a little stop to a paradise known as Wine and Spirits. Now my intentions were to go to a movie, but of course the man in him found a way around that and I must be honest I may have been a little hot under the collar so I obliged.

 

Now before reaching his home, our destination, we discussed his plans to go to the strip club with his friends due to a miscommunication in my availability, but he said it was cool and that he wasn't going to go cause he wanted to spend time with me. Make sure to remember this because I am setting the scene for a moment of complete and utter BULL SHIT...I told him it was fine and to go with his friends because it was for his friend's birthday, but he insisted, he said neither him nor the birthday boy really wanted to go. He even went as far as to tell one of his friends that he wasn't going, I believe the friend he told was the birthday boy himself!!! Now we are at his place watching a movie, I had a few sips of tequila (always a fun night when tequila is involved), and we were getting it on. We get finished, cuddle for a while, then his phone rings....on the other end is his friend who is asking about picking him up for the strip club, the same place he told me and the bd boy he wasn't going. Well, he tells this friend that he should be ready in an hour and that they were going to have a ball, again keep in mind he told me and his other the friend he wasn't going. So what do I do, I say "I thought you weren't going" to which he replies "Yeah, but it's my man's birthday so I'm just going to go" to which I reply "you said you and him didn't really want to go, but you guys have fun" 

 

So already you can see the useless bull and lies which only get worst and after that day I stop speaking on them. From that day forward I decided the type of person he was and made a plan to use him for my need of an unattached relationship. Already overcome by my emotions for another I needed and yearned for something that had no emotions. If I couldn't make him my boyfriend, I would make him my sex friend. And luckily for me BS was to full of BS to pursue a relationship with, unluckily for me a part of his BS was to push a friendship.

The Villianous Hero Who Stole My Heart

Throughout this blog you will read about a man I refer to as Clark. Clark is an important topic in my life because he is ultimately responsible for the woman that I have become today. My transformation, both good and bad, was due to the hurt, pain, and love caused by this man. I owe him thanks and a slap to the face, neither of which I will ever get the chance to do. I don't want to give all of the details of Clark in one post because it would be the longest, most entertaining post you ever read. What I will do is share about Clark thought my writing days. Our fast and passionate love affair will be given in pieces in between my other tales. 

 

How did Clark get his alias? Clark is short for Clark Kent, some of you may know him as Superman, the man of steel. He has two sides and both of them were and still are desired by me. Don't get me wrong I do still love Clark, but I am completely capable of loving another and I am at piece with us not being together.

 

Clark is my hero because he saved me from another villain named See Me. Clark is also my villain because he hurt me, used me, and confused me. It's a love hate relationship where I love him, I think he hates me, and everyone believes he loves me. I don't know what happened between us and maybe you can shed some insight based on what you read. Now I must warn you my stories of Clark are pretty outrageous, but they are all true and I will be completely honest. 

 

In my perfect world Clark will read this and give me answers to my questions and shed light on what the hell happened because I have no idea. Who knows maybe one day again I will be his Lois Lane, after all we promised that if we were both single in ten years we would be together lol. 3 years down 7 more to go!!!!

Stay Evolved

Black butterfly, sail across the water

Not meant to swim, so just flap your wings and soar

One day while you're flying you will see a brand new sea

With faith you'll have the chance to swim in the water beneath

So for now just spread your wings and keep love in your heart

Tomorrow starts a brand new day, yesterday your future started

Live your life black butterfly, but remember just one thing

Before you flew as a butterfly

You were a caterpillar with no wings